When I start getting early morning insomnia, then I know things are a mess. Generally, all my life, I've had trouble getting myself to sleep at night, and getting myself up in the morning. If I wake up at night and can't get back to sleep, that means things are really, really bothering me.
And, not surprisingly, it's my job that's really really bothering me now. It's just so inappropriate, and I just can't ever imagine being very good at it. I'm adequate, but being adequate at a job is not terribly satisfying, especially when being adequate means doing some things well, and doing other things badly. Doing things badly just does not sit well with me, not at all.
So, it's time for a change. And actually today I have lunch plans with my boss's boss, and we are surely going to talk about me and my job. And today's the day when I'm going to tell him that I can't last all that long in this job, that I have to make a change, and probably a big change.
This is a hard thing to do, to walk away from a job that pays 140k per year, with a substantial bonus. Just walk away. Now, I might find another job at the bank, I'm sure they'd like to keep me, but the area where I'm most valuable is the area that I'm least interested in. Treasury Services. I've taken to describing it to people as those banking services used by accounts receivable and accounts payable departments. Really, could anything be more boring?
I am really sick of thinking about this, but think about it I must. This is taking up such a chunk of my life, and especially of my psychic energy. And I guess this is normal, lots and lots of people are wiped out by their jobs, that's why television is so popular, after all. But, eh, don't have to be like lots of people, right? Especially as I have absolutely no responsibilities, and a chunk of money in the bank.
It's such a thing, I don't have time to express it thoroughly this morning, but it basically comes down to the battle between your inner self, your inner desires and motivations, and what society needs out of you; i.e. what they will pay you for. Very few people are lucky enough to match those two well, to find something well-paying that's also inwardly satisfying. Like I always said about teaching, they don't have to pay teachers much, because it's intrinsically rewarding. Being a middle manager at a giant bank, that's not intrinsically rewarding at all, but it's more remunerative for that very reason.
So, you whore yourself out, we all have to do it. But for how long, and to what extent? Where do you draw the lines. That's what I'm going through now, the process of figuring out where that line lies. Not a fun process.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Friday, September 07, 2012
Friday blues
So, now it's the Friday blues. This is a bad sign. OK, Monday blues, that's normal, the work week in front of you and all. Wednesday maybe, you wish you were further along. But friday, still, the idea of one more day being a challenge, this is a bad sign.
I always thought the "working for the weekend" thing was the saddest thing ever. People on the elevator on a thursday morning or wednesday evening saying, hey, how's it going, only two more days. Like the workweek, five-sevenths of your life, is just something to endure rather than something to approach with relish. But I've definitely reached that point with this job.
Perhaps it's just too idealistic to think that everyone should be able to find some paying work that they can approach with relish, something that provides an opportunity to achieve a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. After all, one's sense of accomplishment and satisfaction is very, very personal, and what somebody's willing to pay you for, well, that's usually someone else's idea of what's important. Or in the case of a giant bank or other giant entity, that's the institution's idea of what's important. And a giant institution probably doesn't have the same values as you do.
I keep thinking about "values" as one of the keys to understanding life, what makes a good and satisfying life. Unfortunately, the word has been just utterly destroyed by political types. But on a basic level, "values" just means "what's important to you, as an individual". What do you value, what do you think is important, what gives you that sense of satisfaction, of accomplishment? Take me and my utterly misfit job, for instance. I just don't value "closing the deal" or "achieving the targets" or whatever it is that's supposed to be important to a Sales Manager. To me, "closing the deal" just means you talked someone out of their money, which I find ethically suspect. Literally, which is a real problem for a sales person. Now, I know this is ridiculous, that for the world to go around, for commerce to happen, deals need to be closed, people and companies need to buy things. This is not ethically suspect at all. But the more selling that's involved, the more persuasion and influence the sales person manages to exert, the more likely the purchase decision is to be less than ideal for the purchaser. And at its core, this seems to be somehow unethical, since after all, ethics at its most basic is treating other people's interests as just as important as yours.
Isn't this funny? -- (a) the extent to which something so utterly normal and such a basic part of commercial life as 'selling' gives me ethical misgivings; and (b) how somehow I found myself in a sales manager job, something I find about as unsuitable for me as anything I can imagine. (except maybe an actual sales person!)
Let's see -- (a) I think is sort of OK, it's like my little quirk, some kind of exaggerated ethical sensitivity. I attribute this to some kind of exaggerated sense of empathy, which is actually a nice thing, and it's one of the reasons why people like me and why I have a lot of good friends. So (a) I can live with. But (b), finding myself in this utterly inappropriate job, this is what kills me. And this is more a result of my own passivity and I suspect insecurities. I appear to be just unable to take the fucking bull by the fucking horns and pursue more suitable work. Much as I am unable to pursue other things, female things, eh? This is what really brings me down.
Is this something changeable, this passivity? Doesn't seem so -- I am 51 now, and I am no better at being "pursuitful" than I ever was. Actually I appear to have gotten worse. And so I don't expect this character flaw to go away, or to improve much.
Later, I will have to think some about this inability to pursue my own interests, and how it relates to general anxiety or over-sensitivity. And maybe I'll do some thinkin' about how anxiety and over-sensitivity are related, but not necessarily the same thing.
I always thought the "working for the weekend" thing was the saddest thing ever. People on the elevator on a thursday morning or wednesday evening saying, hey, how's it going, only two more days. Like the workweek, five-sevenths of your life, is just something to endure rather than something to approach with relish. But I've definitely reached that point with this job.
Perhaps it's just too idealistic to think that everyone should be able to find some paying work that they can approach with relish, something that provides an opportunity to achieve a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. After all, one's sense of accomplishment and satisfaction is very, very personal, and what somebody's willing to pay you for, well, that's usually someone else's idea of what's important. Or in the case of a giant bank or other giant entity, that's the institution's idea of what's important. And a giant institution probably doesn't have the same values as you do.
I keep thinking about "values" as one of the keys to understanding life, what makes a good and satisfying life. Unfortunately, the word has been just utterly destroyed by political types. But on a basic level, "values" just means "what's important to you, as an individual". What do you value, what do you think is important, what gives you that sense of satisfaction, of accomplishment? Take me and my utterly misfit job, for instance. I just don't value "closing the deal" or "achieving the targets" or whatever it is that's supposed to be important to a Sales Manager. To me, "closing the deal" just means you talked someone out of their money, which I find ethically suspect. Literally, which is a real problem for a sales person. Now, I know this is ridiculous, that for the world to go around, for commerce to happen, deals need to be closed, people and companies need to buy things. This is not ethically suspect at all. But the more selling that's involved, the more persuasion and influence the sales person manages to exert, the more likely the purchase decision is to be less than ideal for the purchaser. And at its core, this seems to be somehow unethical, since after all, ethics at its most basic is treating other people's interests as just as important as yours.
Isn't this funny? -- (a) the extent to which something so utterly normal and such a basic part of commercial life as 'selling' gives me ethical misgivings; and (b) how somehow I found myself in a sales manager job, something I find about as unsuitable for me as anything I can imagine. (except maybe an actual sales person!)
Let's see -- (a) I think is sort of OK, it's like my little quirk, some kind of exaggerated ethical sensitivity. I attribute this to some kind of exaggerated sense of empathy, which is actually a nice thing, and it's one of the reasons why people like me and why I have a lot of good friends. So (a) I can live with. But (b), finding myself in this utterly inappropriate job, this is what kills me. And this is more a result of my own passivity and I suspect insecurities. I appear to be just unable to take the fucking bull by the fucking horns and pursue more suitable work. Much as I am unable to pursue other things, female things, eh? This is what really brings me down.
Is this something changeable, this passivity? Doesn't seem so -- I am 51 now, and I am no better at being "pursuitful" than I ever was. Actually I appear to have gotten worse. And so I don't expect this character flaw to go away, or to improve much.
Later, I will have to think some about this inability to pursue my own interests, and how it relates to general anxiety or over-sensitivity. And maybe I'll do some thinkin' about how anxiety and over-sensitivity are related, but not necessarily the same thing.
Tuesday, September 04, 2012
mental health diary sept. 4, 2012
Frequently, when I have tried to journalize, keep a journal, that is, it turns into a giant rant, Dan and his problems with Life and The World. And that gets pretty depressing, pretty quickly. What has especially made this depressing is when I realize that the problems I'm detailing are exactly the same problems that I've always had, the same problems I tried to journalize about 5 years earlier, 10 years earlier, whenever. This can really bring you down, when you see what limited progress you've made in your life.
But such is Life, right? We all have our strengths and our weaknesses, and our weaknesses will dog us throughout. This was best put in perspective by Ram Dass in a book I read by him, I don't remember what. He said that he always had many psychological issues and demons, and that despite thirty years of therapy and meditation and yoga and whatever else he did, he never fully resolved any of those issues. But rather, what all that work did was make the issues less threatening, less of a problem. Earlier in his life, he would be overwhelmed by these issues, but after doing all his work, he was more comfortable with them. They would arise, and be a problem, still, but he could just face them and say playfully, there you are, you little devil, trying to slow me down again.
I basically agree with this, that your issues you will always have with you. It's how you face them that matters. I always spoke of "meta-issues", that is, issues-about-your-issues. Like getting upset because you're too passive or fearful or indecisive. It's not the passivity or fear or indecision that's the problem, it's that you let these get to you, you let them corrupt your self-image or whatever. But we're all human, we've all got weaknesses and fears.
Issues, we've all got issues. The sooner you face this, the better.
I've been inspired me to start this journal again by a book I'm reading now, Winter's Journal, by Paul Auster. It's a kind of reflective late-in-life autobiography, kind of a journal actually. And it's just lovely. And he's quite frank about his Issues. He has had really debilitating panic attacks, and he's quite frank that after the first, his life kind of changed, he became more cautious, less arrogant. And it's inspiring how he discusses this, with such frankness and acceptance.
Of course, now, most of his life is going pretty well -- he's successful, famous even, with a wife of thirty years that he clearly still loves, and two healthy children, not to mention a brownstone in Park Slope. But if he was less successful, you wouldn't be reading this book, now, would you?
Haha, he also writes the whole book in the second person -- e.g. "You remember going into the store with your mother..." And it kind of makes sense, given the subject matter -- older guy reflecting on his life. So I will probably slip into the second person in this here online journal, assuming I keep it up. About that, only time will tell.
But such is Life, right? We all have our strengths and our weaknesses, and our weaknesses will dog us throughout. This was best put in perspective by Ram Dass in a book I read by him, I don't remember what. He said that he always had many psychological issues and demons, and that despite thirty years of therapy and meditation and yoga and whatever else he did, he never fully resolved any of those issues. But rather, what all that work did was make the issues less threatening, less of a problem. Earlier in his life, he would be overwhelmed by these issues, but after doing all his work, he was more comfortable with them. They would arise, and be a problem, still, but he could just face them and say playfully, there you are, you little devil, trying to slow me down again.
I basically agree with this, that your issues you will always have with you. It's how you face them that matters. I always spoke of "meta-issues", that is, issues-about-your-issues. Like getting upset because you're too passive or fearful or indecisive. It's not the passivity or fear or indecision that's the problem, it's that you let these get to you, you let them corrupt your self-image or whatever. But we're all human, we've all got weaknesses and fears.
Issues, we've all got issues. The sooner you face this, the better.
I've been inspired me to start this journal again by a book I'm reading now, Winter's Journal, by Paul Auster. It's a kind of reflective late-in-life autobiography, kind of a journal actually. And it's just lovely. And he's quite frank about his Issues. He has had really debilitating panic attacks, and he's quite frank that after the first, his life kind of changed, he became more cautious, less arrogant. And it's inspiring how he discusses this, with such frankness and acceptance.
Of course, now, most of his life is going pretty well -- he's successful, famous even, with a wife of thirty years that he clearly still loves, and two healthy children, not to mention a brownstone in Park Slope. But if he was less successful, you wouldn't be reading this book, now, would you?
Haha, he also writes the whole book in the second person -- e.g. "You remember going into the store with your mother..." And it kind of makes sense, given the subject matter -- older guy reflecting on his life. So I will probably slip into the second person in this here online journal, assuming I keep it up. About that, only time will tell.
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