mental health diary sept. 4, 2012

Frequently, when I have tried to journalize, keep a journal, that is, it turns into a giant rant, Dan and his problems with Life and The World.  And that gets pretty depressing, pretty quickly.  What has especially made this depressing is when I realize that the problems I'm detailing are exactly the same problems that I've always had, the same problems I tried to journalize about 5 years earlier, 10 years earlier, whenever.  This can really bring you down, when you see what limited progress you've made in your life.

But such is Life, right?  We all have our strengths and our weaknesses, and our weaknesses will dog us throughout.  This was best put in perspective by Ram Dass in a book I read by him, I don't remember what. He said that he always had many psychological issues and demons, and that despite thirty years of therapy and meditation and yoga and whatever else he did, he never fully resolved any of those issues.  But rather, what all that work did was make the issues less threatening, less of a problem.  Earlier in his life, he would be overwhelmed by these issues, but after doing all his work, he was more comfortable with them.  They would arise, and be a problem, still, but he could just face them and say playfully, there you are, you little devil, trying to slow me down again.

I basically agree with this, that your issues you will always have with you.  It's how you face them that matters.  I always spoke of "meta-issues", that is, issues-about-your-issues.  Like getting upset because you're too passive or fearful or indecisive.  It's not the passivity or fear or indecision that's the problem, it's that you let these get to you, you let them corrupt your self-image or whatever.  But we're all human, we've all got weaknesses and fears.

Issues, we've all got issues.  The sooner you face this, the better.

I've been inspired me to start this journal again by a book I'm reading now, Winter's Journal, by Paul Auster.  It's a kind of reflective late-in-life autobiography, kind of a journal actually.  And it's just lovely.  And he's quite frank about his Issues.  He has had really debilitating panic attacks, and he's quite frank that after the first, his life kind of changed, he became more cautious, less arrogant.  And it's inspiring how he discusses this, with such frankness and acceptance.

Of course, now, most of his life is going pretty well -- he's successful, famous even, with a wife of thirty years that he clearly still loves, and two healthy children, not to mention a brownstone in Park Slope.  But if he was less successful, you wouldn't be reading this book, now, would you?

Haha, he also writes the whole book in the second person -- e.g. "You remember going into the store with your mother..."  And it kind of makes sense, given the subject matter -- older guy reflecting on his life.  So I will probably slip into the second person in this here online journal, assuming I keep it up.  About that, only time will tell.