early morning insomnia

When I start getting early morning insomnia, then I know things are a mess.  Generally, all my life, I've had trouble getting myself to sleep at night, and getting myself up in the morning.  If I wake up at night and can't get back to sleep, that means things are really, really bothering me.

And, not surprisingly, it's my job that's really really bothering me now.  It's just so inappropriate, and I just can't ever imagine being very good at it.  I'm adequate, but being adequate at a job is not terribly satisfying, especially when being adequate means doing some things well, and doing other things badly.  Doing things badly just does not sit well with me, not at all.

So, it's time for a change.  And actually today I have lunch plans with my boss's boss, and we are surely going to talk about me and my job.  And today's the day when I'm going to tell him that I can't last all that long in this job, that I have to make a change, and probably a big change.

This is a hard thing to do, to walk away from a job that pays 140k per year, with a substantial bonus.  Just walk away.  Now, I might find another job at the bank, I'm sure they'd like to keep me, but the area where I'm most valuable is the area that I'm least interested in.  Treasury Services.  I've taken to describing it to people as those banking services used by accounts receivable and accounts payable departments.  Really, could anything be more boring?  

I am really sick of thinking about this, but think about it I must.  This is taking up such a chunk of my life, and especially of my psychic energy.  And I guess this is normal, lots and lots of people are wiped out by their jobs, that's why television is so popular, after all.  But, eh, don't have to be like lots of people, right?  Especially as I have absolutely no responsibilities, and a chunk of money in the bank.

It's such a thing, I don't have time to express it thoroughly this morning, but it basically comes down to the battle between your inner self, your inner desires and motivations, and what society needs out of you; i.e. what they will pay you for.  Very few people are lucky enough to match those two well, to find something well-paying that's also inwardly satisfying.  Like I always said about teaching, they don't have to pay teachers much, because it's intrinsically rewarding.  Being a middle manager at a giant bank, that's not intrinsically rewarding at all, but it's more remunerative for that very reason.

So, you whore yourself out, we all have to do it.  But for how long, and to what extent?  Where do you draw the lines.  That's what I'm going through now, the process of figuring out where that line lies.  Not a fun process.